I Don't Like Power

 As I get older, smarter and more inquisitive, I find flashes of self awareness at odd times. Today it was via a Science Fiction book. I realized I don't like or want power.

I mean that in a very personal way. Not that it bothers me in others, not that I find it unhelpful in the abstract: no, I just hate when I have it.

Let's look at why. Primarily I think it is because I am terrified of conflict. Terr-i-fucking-fied. I loved being a bartender because of very little conflict. I loved being a project manager because it gives me all the responsibilities of running a team and project, with none of the real power. Getting things done requires planning, give and take, and reasoning. For the Project Manager, getting things done does not include yelling at, threatening or giving crap reviews to people. Just getting the job done.

 My blood pressure at 170 first starting happening when I was a manager and had to reviews to my employees. I am sure it would have happened other wise, but that moment was the actual ignition.

And so it is so very much easier to blandly go along with others than to have some sort of conflict. 

With Ed, when something bugs me very very much, I will bottle it up and at some inappropriate point vomit it all up on him. Which causes a fight and I vow (to myself) to never say anything about that topic again.

To leave Greg, I had to actually read his diary - which chronicled his indiscretions and feelings about me - in order to get the push to actual confront him about it. And then I left and we never talked about it. In order to prevent myself from going back to Greg, I started a relationship pretty quickly so I would have a conflict either way. With a devil's choice staring at me, I had to have a conflict, so pick the one I liked better (i.e. NOT Greg). 

And I still feel guilty about it.

You may wonder how I managed to end other relationships - which are conflict minefields. For decades I would only go out with people that didn't actually like me or themselves or had super ass gay guilt. That way they would break up with me fairly soon.

You might think that would limit my pool of potential dates. But, you'ld be wrong. Being a bartender at a gay bar <used to> bring a parade of horny men - and I just filtered out those guys that had the most promise. I finally got a shrink that helped me break that habit.

But I never have been able to move past the overwhelming fear of conflict and the more general phobia about power. I still have a "flee" reaction about 75% of the time and have to conquer it.