Terrified (or Worried, depending on the day)

My bipolar symptoms and mood swings are getting worse. Pity Ed for a moment.

Okay, moment over. So Ed has helped me a lot, but now I have to go to a doctor to get new meds. I have been on an anti-depressive (Effexor) for a long time and it worked well. Then less well. Now, not very well. Therefore, next week I am going to a new nut-doctor. I am apprehensive to terrified, depending on the moment.

I definitely want to get better. But I do not relish the idea of trying drugs to see what works and what does not work.

I have tried Paxil - which I LOVED because it may me fun-high, but didn't love because it made me fall asleep without any warning. After falling asleep in traffic twice (including 1 accident) Eddie put the kibosh on Paxil. 

I have also tried Prozac. It kind of works. But I used to not need it too much (I thought) and I would forget to take it. But it did kill my appetite so maybe that is good.

Th number 1 treatment seems to be Lithium still. I am terrified of Lithium. Not so much the drug itself, as the side-effects. Now, I know that a lot of my trepidation is from my grandfather, who was on Lithium but hated it. But, crazy or not, everything he hated is listed as a side-effect, so he wasn't just paranoid (plus that doesn't seem to be a side-effect).

Long story short, stay tuned, we are all in for a fuck of a ride.