World AIDS Day

It’s December 1st again. It’s World AIDS Day of remembrance. And I can’t go a December 1st without thinking of Mark. Entertainment Weekly used to print a list and pictures of those in the Entertainment industry that died of AIDS the previous year.

I’ve grabbed an archive screen list with his name. I am teaching in Columbus this week or I would share a picture.

AIDS is not spoken of much anymore. And that is a great thing. We have some good drugs now for those people with AIDS and some good drugs to prevent people from getting AIDS - although both are limited by cost. So it is good we don’t have to talk about it much.

But for a lot of us, the list of those who are gone comes back to haunt us. Not often enough to be used to it, but just enough to break your heart. Not just December 1st, but at random times. A list of questions and demands that cannot be forgotten.

What would Freddie be doing now?
Did I do everything I could to help Mark?
I understand that life hangs by a thread, am I doing enough good?
I understand life is precious, am I wasting it?

I treasure every moment I had with Mark.

I treasure Ed now for allowing me the space - every now and then to grieve afresh, to question what I am doing with myself, to let me be me.

Those moments with friends, so many now gone, are like images in amber. Super close friends that died too young. A random harvest of youth that took some and spared others for no reason. I miss so many of them.