Wednesday, April 21, 2021

I Do Live In Fear Of This - UPDATE

UPDATE: Lynn, who saw me recently, says what is going on so far is normal aging, and forgetfulness, not dementia. I feel a bit better. I guess it is just the obviousness of how I fared on Jeopardy a few years ago versus now.

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I do not want to be one of those Alzheimer-y type old person. You know, the one that cannot remember anything. And the ones that seem to exist, not enjoy life.


Somewhere between what I fear to be, and what I was, is where I am now. An old person with too many thoughts, memories and experiences to hold at once. I watch Jeopardy now and forget the words to many of the answers. Not the answers, which I know, but I can't seem to reach the right noun in those seconds. And I used to be able to. This is happening 9 years after I went on the show. It is a mental decay I feel a lot, and one I see too much.

The worst is not knowing the speed of my mental deterioration. I know it is natural, so I am not freaking out. Yet. 

But it is worrisome watching it happen. I feel myself reach for words and, worse, feel them too far away to grab. Right now it is random trivia which is, by its very nature, not important. But how long until my mind decides other things are random trivia, and not important. How long before seeing something new loses its perfection in my mind. Because then I am done.

I wish I knew how long my mind had left. A decade? A year? Thirty years? I wish I knew if it was bad right now or not.

I don't like it.

1 comment:

  1. I concur with Lynn but would like to suggest that a full year of pandemic worry and isolation has resulted in brain fog for a lot of us. My guess is that, once you're back to a more regular routine, your memory will most likely bounce back some as well. Fingers crossed for all of us.

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