Monday, May 4, 2020

I Am Regressing

The lockdown effects people in different ways. And, the dog was getting sicker and sicker. So mentally I was on edge. And so, my childhood nervous habit returned, which it has before, but I never notice until too late.

My habit is gross, but not disgusting. I pick at my ear.

When I am uncomfortable, but not freaked out, I tend to pick at my ear. For some reason I am convinced I have ear wax falling out of my ear. A fear I think I picked up from Zela who, despite being wonderful to me generally, used freak out every time she cleaned my ears. And she did this a lot! Insisting on showing me the ear wax. Like it is something I could have prevented. I mean, it's ear wax. I did not purposefully shove a candle in my ear.

In any case, I freak out and pick at my ear until it hurts. Then it hurts, so I cannot stop touching it and picking more. Then it bleeds. Then it scars, and then the gunk really does fall into my ears, which lead me to pick at it more.

The only good thing, versus my childhood is that my fingers are too fat now to get in the canal, so this happens on the outside of ear canal, but inside my ear. Which, to me, only means more people see it, so I rub it more and so on and so on. I have engaged Ed to help me stop picking at my ear, and he is great about it.

Butttttt.... while he is great about it, now I think he is picking on me and when he says don't pick at your ear, I want to scream that my ear itches. And I am 61 and can do what I want.

Lockdown is proceeding on schdule.

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